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1.
It's Cool 03:11
here for a shitty time, not a long time pessimistically just waiting on the bad vibes to catapult the night into a panic stricken fever dream paralyzed by everything and i can’t even fucking scream sinking feeling take me away, all encompassing apathy i can’t enjoy the things i love everything just fucking sucks in the morning all alone just smoke a blunt then spray cologne take that lighter out inhale what you need to deal with things i say that make you less like you and then you hate yourself then whole day and i just sit around a clumsy fucking waste what's even sending shivers down my spine? the thought that i can't be around anyone tonight without breaking down or freaking out terrified by every sound aren’t you worried when you finally see the person you’ve been pretending to be has taken over and started wearing the skin that you had once felt comfortable in such a long night want to exist again you wanna find yourself but you don’t know anything so once it dissolves you get in the same thought loops gotta stop feeling stuck and just start being you i’m just insecure and so uncomfortable everything that makes you miserable reckless and endangering myself with every choice i make like burning bridges while it’s fucking raining gasoline [trey brockman] someday they’ll say the name of everything i hate and i won’t hesitate tell them to shut their mouths and walk away it’s getting on my nerves to know of my own worth it’s cool, i know some friends who got a place to hang with me
2.
Kick Rocks 03:01
screaming in my fucking hands cuz i’m falling down the steps when i try walking let’s not do this right now, it’s always pooring when i hear kick rocks and it’s three in the morning yellow jacket sting make me make believe that this is all a dream and i don’t have to leave but all my shit’s in bags and you’re locked in your head probably pretty mad 'cause space is something you could never give your drunken words are just your sober thoughts you’re terrified to verbalize when you’re not this fucked up through a megaphone that makes everything sound like our shitty windows breaking self inflicting wounds in two different rooms "because it’s four am and i can’t deal with all six of your moods" this is so ate up this situation sucks this isn’t love we need to stop lying to both of us just when i think you’re gonna dial it down again blood drips from both my ears because you turned it up to ten
3.
Owen Wilson 03:21
blowing out the candles on someone else’s birthday cake along with your mistakes old habits are so hard to break i get staler every day convinced myself i’m doing great but i don’t know how this is ok something will go wrong eventually it always does and i’m left in the debris can someone manage my thoughts or at the very least seal them up in envelopes i’ll never open up and read bats in the sky flying around all night and you love to solicit the corners of my brain the later it gets i think i wanna die somewhere fun tonight soullessly tainted this dump’s overrated you act like i’m speaking japanese i wish i could take it but i need a wax nap and another place where i can sleep my laundry’s the only thing i’ve got that isn’t piling up
4.
toss and turn in your sleep from the shit they keep making up and you’ll keep convincing your silly brain that this ain’t what’s got you so fucked up humpty dumpty falling pretty casually i’m in pieces and the pieces they surround me this isn’t shelter, it’s the closest thing to hell if i could hear over the screaming, i’d probably hear myself lately i've been thinking i should take up heavy drinking you make my shiny stars stop even twinkling cuz i don't have the stomach for it or you there's puke dripping out my nose and i'm only two beers balls deep into this bullshit night where nothing makes sense, and i'm still dead inside why did i chug that vodka when it got passed i drank it for for three seconds and in three more i'll be on my ass screaming at the walls and everything in between them this is a whole thing this is a whole thing goodnight nobody i kinda wanna pretend i’m out of oxygen and black out so i’m not conscious for another fucking second of this
5.
beginning to think i need the mask of invisibility making separate pots of coffee the morning ritual at six am wind burnt drives to work serve as precursors to the last time i’ll see you again but i must’ve loved the way you slammed my head between the frame and the door because there were way too many nights i spent on your dirty bathroom floor disregarding everything there’s no medication we could take to make this work to make this last i kicked rocks after you kicked my ass do the pictures i’m deleting really hold any weight right now other than all the storage space i end up paying for in my head and the cloud i just can’t have them in my camera roll i’ll look through every fading memory while listening to self control off an iphone speaker in this home that isn’t mine i think i’m getting weaker all the time this plagued forth street apartment became the darkest depths of my own personal hell (soft and sound) according to you i built it all by myself just by sticking around beginning to think i need the mask of invisibility
6.
Dragon Balls 03:14
missing weekdays sleeping in always just a little late but i couldn’t complain with this picture of you sleeping etched into my brain how many different candles can we smell in our lives well let’s start by finding out how many we’ll light tonight knowing seconds into the situation you wouldn’t tell the truth we promised no more nightmares or feeling unwanted you’re the cup of coffee i needed every morning knowing seconds into the situation you’d probably do something super fucked up but to to you it’s harmless what’s so fucking hard about being honest? i miss the warmth in every breath and smoking bowls all morning with your head buried in my chest my favorite thing that ever existed wasn’t even real, i must have just dreamt it
7.
i’m upside down my brain has never been as scrambled as it is right now but i’ll be fine even though i’ve never been the same person my entire life somethings wrong with me but i don’t give a shit anymore cause i’m not terrified of life, i’m just afraid of getting bored someone please write me out of the story because i don't exactly like where it's going and i really wish that i could leave it for a minute even though i'm the only one that’s still in it disappoint each other regularly but i’m wide awake while you’re fast asleep someone please write me out of the story because i don't exactly like where it's going and i really wish that i could leave it for a minute even though i'm the only one that’s still in it someone please write me out of the story because i don't exactly like where it's going and i really wish that i could leave it for a minute even though i'm the only one that’s still in it
8.
this couch is like an island in the middle of the sea it’s not even comfortable and i really need to leave but somethings wrong with my head and i think it’s preventing me from ever getting closure or moving on from anything and this whole place becomes nothing but a tainted memory bury the rest of those with my head in the sand please so when the waves wash around me i am stationary instead of flailing my limbs and body i’ve never been solid no i've never been anything other than misused and thrown away i’ve never been solid no i've never been anything other than misused and thrown away you touch me as the light fades from the room and i pretend i’m sleeping while i search for the words to try to fix this but i think we both know those words don't exist can't take away your hopelessness i'm drowning in my own can't pretend you're the same person who made me feel at home when every feeling's temporary i've felt this thing i knew i would it starts to fade with time but never goes away for good it’s cool it’s cool [devi*n] they set my soul on fire i let these poems extinguish my inner soul desires and all the quote unquote rejects the ones that i admire so fuck a nightmare, i live it and now this music shit like mental calisthenics and if i say it then i meant it and when it’s cemented, man good luck feel like i’m frantic in the moment, but my conscious know what’s next up shout that nigga owen too, he told me i ain’t going nowhere as long as i’m blue, so i’ll speak it until i know it’s true no need to fill the silence when someone knows you way too well you can feel an existential crisis on the water slide to hell you’re the devil on your own shoulder saying you should go get fucked up on anything you find but anything is not enough it’s time to think about it, all you’ve never had over early morning coffee and burning blunt wraps as times ticking, you notice things about yourself that over the last year have changed all of your friends live in magical far away lands and you’re stuck in illinois with a distinct lack of plans how wonderful and relaxing and other words that i can’t think of right now having a happy place must be "stop pretending to be happy alex" the nightly dialogue old polaroids that you don’t want lit on fire all night long i feel just as shitty as i did back then and all i can do is wonder when
9.
out of town receptions just in time for dead end dreams seeing your reflection wavering in the summer heat a day in bed’s a day well spent kicking memories around, instead of rocks inside my head that i’m too sick to forget if you left so easily, then everybody near to me will want to do the same without any restraint ain’t that a kicker when theres nothing left to do except for watching candles flicker, dying just like me and you you lock yourself in truck stop bathrooms cause you can’t deal with the view of seeing anything the interstate just has to offer you the only time you would conclude that you didn’t want to die was when we’d smoke too many blunts and inevitably get too high how do you think of someone in a positive light when every word, text or shoulder shrug becomes a fight run away tonight i'll retreat under the covers where the moon can never speak and i would listen to the sun, but it never talks to me so i'll take one for the morning and i'll take one for the night because i can see the stars and i still don’t feel alright it seems like all things tragic start with an eclipse and if the sun can disappear then i'm scared for the end of this will i rise to heaven or fall back down to the earth will your trip be pleasant? i guess we get what we deserve they say that nothing gets better when you hold onto the blue now i’m just as cold as you i don't know the words to say an outcast in a menagerie struggling for identity but you left me breathless, staggering washed your hair out of the sink memories spun down so slowly a parasite in your bones deeply rooted to the feeling that youll never know standing all alone on this palette again expelling the leeches thriving on the end and the shame they brand from within burns the shape of an 'a' on your skin
10.
always igniting little sparks at the loneliness felt in the dark when it’s too late and everybody’s asleep except for the moon, this blunt the tv and me why do we constantly turn to the darkest thoughts? our brains just tend to fuck us up and sleeping it off isn’t an option when your only contribution in other lives are problems how many miles, how many hours alone? how many nights glued to this fucking phone? how close am i to killing myself tonight? how many times will that thought cross my mind? i really wish my mind would be an open book at least for me the things i thought in my own head were gonna damage me until the end of time and i don’t know when that could even be but i’m still broken and running away from my problems seems to be a recurring theme i need lobotomized as soon as fucking possible the memories i have just started feeling so awful fuck that hopeless miserable night when you told me i’ll be by myself my entire life a whole lot a whole lot of running a whole lot a whole lot of running away slamming on the brakes but the lights never flashed choking back mistakes and running low on gas something you could take to take away the past but it already happened so let’s just leave it at that if this was a puzzle i wouldn’t waste the time putting the pieces back together, my perfect shrine to you i built in the corner of my mind and i ran there but tripped because i'm always behind and it started collapsing like in the first indiana jones movie you never watched with me that night i was alone because you said you got off late but never come back home i stayed up pretty late that night and every night for those last two weeks i dealt with shit i thought i could change but someone slamming your head into doors isn’t something that needs solving anyway a whole lot a whole lot of running a whole lot a whole lot of running away

credits

released October 31, 2018

written, recorded, engineered and produced by lonny starsky on an iphone 8 from november 2017 - august 2018
additional production, drum recording, mixing & mastering by ryan wasoba at bird cloud recording in edwardsville, illinois.

the acid flashback at nightmare beach is:
lonny starsky

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The Acid Flashback at Nightmare Beach Hillsboro, Illinois

JAZZ FROM
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