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Hero Dose Vol. I: Baby​’​s First Dose

by The Acid Flashback at Nightmare Beach

/
1.
getting knocked off of a tidal wave, you would’ve ridden that high in the sunset it empties your pockets for a pretty chunk of change and when it’s gone you wonder if it’s begun yet Lonny, you can do a lot better than spending all your time treating this like some endeavor this peak isn’t worth the climb this time is different, timings perfect, timing’s everything living out every scenario inside my fucked up brain it’s natural for a dying to leaf to be frightened by the autumn wind i’ll always play the dying leaf and you’ll be the tornado again i said that i’m strong enough to paddle my own canoe so of course you broke the oars in half and then i died for you we keep what’s given to us by giving it away but you never give anything so how can i just let you take when i’m emptier than i really knew that i could be and there is no love left or motivation here for me on the roof for the first time i don't check what time it is i already know the sun is coming up and i feel like shit
2.
“i love unconditionally, i’m just too mortified”, they howl why was i never good enough and why am i how just keep up the illusion and post a picture on the internet of our brand new bathroom mirror before you bashed my face right into it the alluded love isn’t worth the time you daydream being part of the earth nightmares, triple texts, read receipts and lies lobotomies, bread crumbs and no replies at least i recycled the doubt with both my hands you duly noted how i’m always mapping out my exit plan i wanna run around in circles i wanna feel something again the world has bigger houses and circles of friends but all i dwell on is how i’m not in them prelapsarian paradise gets spoiled right before your eyes you fall on one knee, then on deaf ears the ghost of you just reappears twenty miles out of town, my brain starts to shut down juul pods and coffee just to stay awake now attempt to stir up a conversation where no one brings up medication dear diary i’m bumming myself out by writing every excruciating detail down the suns burning into nothing i’m making blueberry muffins i don’t wanna get on twitter at all today fuck what donald trump or kanye west have got to say three wishes, use them all to make me go away or i’ll just get real ripped and wish for another plague flickering there behind the blinds all of our lights as time unwinds like it will when there’s no breath in my lungs when my fire burns out and this fades to a hum chose tails every time but the quarter had heads on both its sides no one ever really wins in life, it’s wild except for billionaire pedophiles no reason for the goodbyes fell apart for lifetimes nicotine nightmares, heaven is under braced yourself for the lightning, then shook at the thunder sometimes when i find the right words, the chills i don't think i deserve are already spreading like a virus how did i make myself feel like this? calcification’s killing me slowly but not as slow as i would like death to be i’ve got too much shit to do so i can’t die today and that’s a shame
3.
the only thing you’ve meant that you said in the last nine god damn months was when you told them you needed space from them and then you let go all at once evaporating, you turn your head forgetting all the pretty words they said memories antagonize, red flags hidden under sheets of lies they loved when you could just be yourselves but now you’re running away from the past they don’t sell comfortable shoes down in hell you always wondered “how long could this last?” the coffee cups are so stained and brown charleston’s a fucking ghost town they won’t forget your voice, they love its sound white nikes with the blood stains, what a mess, i hate my skin i keep on having the same nightmare where i rip it open again white nikes with the blood stains, “you’re a mess, you’ll never win” i always find a silly reason i should tear it to shreds again white nikes with the blood stains, all i think about is them and finding spotted sheets of toilet paper in your bathroom trash can again white nikes with the blood stains, when i ask you where you’ve been you say “a lot of fucked up places” and “i’ll never love again” white nikes with the blood stains, i don’t know how to not think you hate me when you cut me off for the millionth time then you disappear again white nikes with the blood stains, sinking ship and i can’t swim i wouldn’t wanna weigh down your only life raft and make you hate yourself again at least we’re going fucking nuts in solidarity

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released January 1, 2020

Written, performed, recorded, produced, & mixed by Lonny Starsky.

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The Acid Flashback at Nightmare Beach Hillsboro, Illinois

JAZZ FROM
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE.

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